|A zomnie, imagined by Peter Lyle|
By Dick Valentine, of Electric Six.
In assessing the existence – or lack thereof – of monsters, extra-terrestrials, and demons, we are quick to rely, much too often in my opinion, on the time-honored traditions of evidence and science, and even, on occasion, scientific evidence. Where the farmer sees the strange lights over his farm, a quick and handy explanation rooted in the man-made (the weather balloon, the ICBM, the bottle rocket, and so on…) will always win out over the relatively fantastic: the alien spaceship.
Yet, as demonstrated in the prior paragraph, there is a word that denotes the concept of "monster". That word is "monster". And, in the same way, there is a word that denotes the concept of "demon". That word is "demon". And because we have these concepts in our popular consciousness and these words in our lexicon, we need not concern ourselves with the reality that no single atom, molecule or quark is presently assigned to the physical composition of a demon or a monster. The concepts alone of such beings are the projected manifestations of the being – that is to say, they don't need mass to exist. They need only a receptor to interpret the projected manifestation. That receptor is almost always the human mind, and lately, it seems the human mind du jour of these beings is my own.
The classic query of a tree falling in the forest is the nearest corollary. To refresh, the question is, "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" What is being questioned here is not whether the collapse of the tree will produce sound waves – it most certainly will. However, without a viable receptor, such as a human ear, we are left to question the existence of the sound itself. This is distinctly different from the sound wave, which was never in question. But the sound wave needs the receptor to become sound.
In the same way, demons need my mind to be the receptor that allows their projected manifestations to become "real". As stated, my visiting demons and monsters most assuredly are not material – this is not the argument. The projected manifestation of the demon is equivalent to the sound wave in the tree-falling-in-the-forest model. Their reality is then achieved upon my mind interpreting the projected manifestation. This happens most frequently when I am alone at night and I turn around slowly or when I look up from what I am reading. That is when I see the alien. That is when the alien is real. That is when the demon speaks. My adrenaline is released throughout my body and I become afraid.
I propose that in that split second when I visualize the visitor in front of me, the visitor is in fact real. But the projected manifestation can only be interpreted in that split second and, very soon, the visitor no longer exists. One would be quick to dismiss this as a figment of the imagination or even the harsher “psychotic hallucination”. But I know what I goddamn see. And I know these things are real. And I know I've just explained all this in a professional, scientific manner, beyond a shadow of a doubt.
The first purpose of this discourse is first to demonstrate the infallible existence of demons, monsters, and aliens and that is now behind us. Next, we are to catalogue the various beings in a sort of Linnaean classification. We will now look at each intruder's (for that is what they are – bombastic intruders!) phenotype, preferred method of entry to my apartment, linguistic capability and general intention.
It should be mentioned here prior to proceeding that I don't view any of these beings as evil, per se. They are only in my apartment to do a job. In the case of the alien, he is there to feed. In the case of the demon, he is there to possess. But in neither case do I honestly find their purposes to be evil; rather it is just alien nature or demonic nature. Are you evil when you bite into a piece of steak or breast of chicken? No. Are you evil when you sleep eight hours each night when you could be using that time to end world hunger? No, of course not. So, neither is the alien when he attempts to drain me of my glucose - that is simply what he is there to do.
So without further ado, we turn first to the alien strata, of which I have observed three basic aliens:
These aliens are the ones that most resemble the classic aliens of sci-fi television or film, a la The X-Files. They are grey, usually about five feet tall and naked. They have big bug eyes that occupy the majority of their face. They come directly through the walls and usually stand in the center of my kitchen. They communicate telepathically and occasionally make screeching noises, though I can't be certain if those are borne of distress or something more benign. They are simply on reconnaissance from the mothership and are yet to attempt to cause me harm.
These guys are the bad ones. They are blobby in nature. Red, gelatinous blobs with black clusters that form eyes. We'll get to those in a minute. They wear human clothing and I believe that when they are not in my apartment, they assume human form and live among us. I think I had a job once where my middle manager was a Fadd-o Glucosucker. Anyhow, they enter my apartment through the air conditioning vents - their gelatinous nature makes it easy for them to move through ducts. They speak fluent Spanish, making me believe that they have visited this planet for centuries now, most likely landing first in what is now Mexico during the Spanish conquest. Their purpose is to drain human beings of glucose. They feed on our glucose. They emit beams out of their black eyes that sap our precious glucose reserves. The only way to stop them is to burn their eyes.
These aliens are rare, and they do nothing more than stand there and secretly judge me. They appear in pairs and they are clothed in purple robes and capes. They have square heads and they have reptilian scales. I have not figured out how they get inside my apartment, but they do not stay long. I have heard them talk about me but they use a very strange language, one I cannot equate to anything I have heard on earth. They are yet to reveal an agenda to me, but I believe they come in peace.
These are three types of aliens that visit me. It should be said that they have no relation to each other and I believe, though I can't be certain, that if a Fadd-o Glucosucker and Cylindrical argonoid were to be in the same room, the glucosucker would in fact attempt to drain the argonoid of his precious glucose reserves.
Next, we move on to the demon category. I have been visited by two varieties of demons:
This particular demon visits me five times a week, always around supper time. They have your basic red skin, horns and cloven hooves. They have two large fangs protruding from their mouths. They appear in a puff of smoke and they stick around for three to five seconds, the longest stay of any of the visitors. They communicate fluently in all known earthly dialects and they possess a tremendous knowledge of pop culture. Their purpose is clear - they seek to inhabit my body. Fortunately, I am independently wealthy and I can protect myself with rare and expensive Sumatran oils that ward off these demons. I feel sorry for anyone who might not be as wealthy or as privileged as me and is currently damned to the horrible fate of being the host organism to a rodanti hellanoid. It must be unbearable.
I have been visited twice by a classic succubus – the same one both times. They appear as beautiful human females. They wear sexy clothes and possess a beauty that no man can resist. They speak all human languages, but as I live in America, mine speaks American. Like all succubi, she comes to my apartment in hopes of draining my essence during the physical act of love. She teleports into my kitchen from a laboratory somewhere below the earth's mantle where she lives with her entire coven of demonic whores. Fortunately, I have been prepared for succubus attacks since I was a Boy Scout, and I had my testicles crushed long ago to prevent her charms from having an effect on me.
I often wonder how it would go if a succubus attempted to drain a man who had been possessed by a rodanti hellanoid? The possibilities are fascinating. Would the succubus become double the demon? Should anyone witness such an interaction, please email me with your observations.
Moving on to the final category, we must now examine the monsters that visit me. Like the demons, I know of only two such classes:
Zombies have visited me more frequently than any other entity. They appear as pale humanoids wearing tattered clothing. They enter my apartment through the window. They were once human beings, so there is some remnants of basic language running around in what is left of their brains, but I'm not sure they know what any of it means. I am torn as to whether their intentions are bad or good. They don't really do much other than appear briefly and growl.
I have been visited by only one mutant. He is here right now. The mutant could pass for an alien, as he has two antennae on top of his head, but I can tell his origins are terrestrial, hence he must be labeled a monster. The mutant got into my house by hiding in my sofa when I purchased it on a layaway plan. Since mutating, he has forgotten how to speak. He only seeks to eat whatever food is around. He does not seem to notice me at all.
HE DOES NOT SEEM TO NOTICE ME AT ALL
I am "coming out" with this information in hopes of reaching others who may be experiencing the same phenomenon.
HE IS RIGHT BEHIND ME AS I TYPE BUT I WILL NOT BE DISTRACTED. MY WORK IS TOO IMPORTANT.
I also feel myself changing, evolving. My reflexes are acute. My mind is growing, expanding. I am a much better writer.
HE IS A MUTANT AND HE MEANS ME NO HARM. HE ONLY WANTS TO EXIST.
My mind is unstoppable. I have been chosen… chosen for a greater purpose.
I HAVE AN AMAZING AND WONDERFUL APARTMENT. EVERYONE IS WELCOME TO COME AND VISIT.